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In the Belly of the Whale
One of my favorite books of the Old Testament is Jonah. It’s concept and meaning had initially always read a bit fantasy like to me. It reminds me of a vivid scene from the story “Pinocchio” especially when Jonah finds himself stuck inside the whale! I realized that I hadn’t given much credit to it, nor had I ever really gone beneath the surface with this one until it came back around in recent liturgical readings for the past few weeks. Is it just about avoiding what God has asked me to do, or is there a deeper hidden meaning to this story about to be revealed? I can relate…
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Be God’s Donkey
I have had quite the past couple of months! Have you ever just felt plain exhausted by your health on your infertility journey? Have you ever felt so weighed down by feeling physically ill that it makes it difficult to bear and commit to more tests and treatments? I am so here right now! It began for me with trying to determine the cause of total body inflammation from possible new food sensitivities, a breast cancer scare with a full diagnostic imaging workup to boot, and even now, unwelcomed pain that lead me to my last two surgeries has returned in full force laying me flat in agony. I am…
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Prayers for my Brothers and Sisters in Suffering
It was just like any other day for me at work. I was driving the massive C-Arm into the operating room to set up for a day of imaging repetitive back surgeries, when the charge nurse asked me “how do you continue to do the same thing over and over again?”. Without hesitation, like a flash from the holy spirit in my mind and mouth, I blurted out “if not me, then who?”. Essentially, I thought, if I didn’t do it, who else would? At the time, I was single and trying to discern what God was calling me to in my life as I was plunging further and further…
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The Complex Dance With Anger
The one thing that continues to perplex me in this walk with infertility is the cycle of grief I experience at different times and moments along the way. This week in particular, I find myself dancing the complex dance I have with anger within it. Somehow, anger has always been the emotion that I try to stifle and proceed with caution with as I try to unravel my grief. In hoping to surpass it, or even skip over it, I mistakenly think that I can bypass my anger as I attempt to plow forward through this part of grief in hopes of rapidly reaching the end of the cycle where…
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A Cross is a Cross
I’ve been slowly revamping our home decor as I’ve been feeling inspired to incorporate more spiritual art on the walls for all of us to appreciate and enjoy. I wanted to find little visual reminders for my family to look upon to keep a sense of peace, community, and spirituality in our home and mix it in with the overall design and feeling we already have established. In my search, I came across this sign from Catholic Gifts and More that says “the things you take for granted someone else is praying for” (The Things You Take for Granted – Wall Plaque, Wall Decor: Catholic Gifts & More (catholicgiftsandmore.com), and…
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God’s Birds
The Dove Have you ever had the awesome experience of feeling like someone is praying for you? Maybe you don’t know why someone is praying for you, or what the prayer is all about, but have you ever felt a very specific presence of the Holy Spirit in a moment when you least expected it with the confidence in knowing that someone is praying for you right now? This actually happened to me the other morning as I was getting ready in front of the bathroom mirror and brushing my teeth no less! I was listening to a beautiful song by an old favorite Christian band of mine when all…
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“Faith Makes Things Possible, Not Easy”
The very first time I saw this quote (a variation of Luke 1:37, RSV), it was beautifully displayed on a wall hanging in a friend’s home, and I smiled one of those “I get it” smiles at the truth I saw embedded in its meaning. It has easily become one of my favorite sayings and an overall reminder of the challenges I have endured to foster my personal growth in faith throughout our journey with infertility. It brings to light the fact that just because I have a foundation of faith, it doesn’t mean that my life and struggles with it aren’t at times extremely arduous for me. There are…
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The Humanities of Infertility
In my prayer life, I’ve often observed that God uses many resources to send me messages of hope, encouragement, and mercy to increase my faith, which in turn allows me to trust in Him even more fully. I tend to have a more Carmelite heart when it comes to the silence observed in prayer, and I find that sometimes my fear keeps me from truly feeling still and even motivated to spend the much needed time in this quiet place of reflection. But lately, I’ve noticed how much meaning and love He’s been showering me with in so many forms all around me that make me even more aware of…
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Staring Into the Grief
Here it comes…the dread, the anxiety, the fear. As I attempt to analyze my intentions for starting to chart and reintroduce medications to be my new “normal” while all the while feeling so incredibly nauseous in the process, I am reminded that the cycle of grief has once again reset. The “what ifs” begin, and I’m wondering if deep in my heart I haven’t stopped wanting to get pregnant because I see a little shiny lure of hope out there in the deep. I feel myself attempting to withdraw to escape from acknowledging the feeling of sadness and anger that comes with it. I find myself resisting all that God…
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Post-Op Tea Party for the Tummy
We just got back from surgery #6 with the St. Pope Paul VI Institute. This is picture of our Mommy and daughter recovery tea party for my tummy (not on my tummy!) now that we are finally at home recovering. We actually learned about the need for surgery #6 about six months prior to this one just after surgery #5. Can you believe it? I actually ended up having 2 out of town surgeries during COVID-19! Even worse than that, God made sure #6 was performed on this past Holy Thursday. Believe you me, I tried extremely hard to find a reason to not have surgery during Holy Week! This…
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Am I Being Punished?
Some of the questions I seem to keep pondering and coming back to are “what more can I do or try?” and “have I done something wrong that this keeps continuing?”. Sometimes, I almost feel as though there is a punishment involved with me somehow deserving infertility as a consequence. Even reading these questions now I feel this big “gulp” in my throat trying not to react to them! It’s not easy to feel yourself begin to isolate into the “not normal” group over here having an out of body experience as you watch your “normal” version of family grow and thrive all around you and that you so happen…
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Our Story
John and I have been blessed with a fruitful marriage for nearly 10 years this spring. We married in Virginia and John welcomed me into his larger Air Force Family for his last 7 years of service. He retired from the Air Force in 2017, and he now has his dream follow on career happily working here in Central Florida. My background is in Medical Imaging (Radiography and Mammography) prior to becoming a military wife, and I am now even more blessed to take on the role of a stay at home/homeschooling Mommy to our adopted daughter that we named Grace. From the very start of our marriage, we attempted…
