Am I Being Punished?
Some of the questions I seem to keep pondering and coming back to are “what more can I do or try?” and “have I done something wrong that this keeps continuing?”. Sometimes, I almost feel as though there is a punishment involved with me somehow deserving infertility as a consequence. Even reading these questions now I feel this big “gulp” in my throat trying not to react to them! It’s not easy to feel yourself begin to isolate into the “not normal” group over here having an out of body experience as you watch your “normal” version of family grow and thrive all around you and that you so happen to also feel called to. What I’ve noticed is that the grief experienced in infertility can be a cycle that starts and stops and changes as more information is received about your circumstances, and how severely it affects you depends on where you are actually at in the process of accepting these circumstances.
In the beginning of our journey, I was so incredibly excited to learn about my body, I was grateful that we figured out the reasons for infertility, and I was hopeful that there is a chance of conceiving. I distinctly remember being told that even with the conditions I was diagnosed with, there was no physical reason why we couldn’t get pregnant. It lit this HUGE fire of hope in me knowing that we were going to conquer this, and I was sure that having a baby was God’s will! Have you noticed that my idea of motherhood and growing our family involves having a baby? There is a little bit of a lesson in maybe not clearly distinguishing your own will from God’s will. For me, it was a huge impediment in detachment from my will to even begin to question that it might not be God’s will for me to ever conceive.
So, am I actually being punished? The short answer is: “no, absolutely not!”, but what is really going on here then? God has been slowly and gently asking me to let go and let Him in through infertility. He’s been there for every negative pregnancy test, every bit of nausea from all the medications, every painful procedure, and every time I’ve cried out to Him “I just don’t understand why”. He continues to mold me and shape my heart into His very own through this way of suffering.
I’ve been hearing this message come back to me in different ways, and during this past Lent, the Gospel of John 9: 1-41 pointed it out to me in a daily reading. I encourage you to read it from your favorite Bible (I used the Laudate app to listen to the daily readings when I heard it). In this passage, we are told about a blind man suffering his disability from birth who is known by everyone in his surroundings for his disability. Even the apostles ask Jesus about this man’s blindness, and everyone seems to question who committed the sin that caused it. Essentially, was it him or his parents’ sin that punished him with this condition? This sounded all too familiar to my heart as I am awaiting to hear what Jesus says about it as he’s concocting a spit and saliva salve to heal his eyes. And the answer for me was one of those “oooooohhhh…I actually get it now” Holy Spirit induced moments!
“Jesus answered, “Neither he nor his parents sinned; it is so that the works of God might be made visible through him. We have to do the works of the one who sent me while it is day. Night is coming when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”
(John 9:3-7, New American RE Bible)
Further down in the reading they explain that the blind man is then told to go cleanse in a known area of water called “Siloam”. It says the translation for “Siloam” means “sent” (John 9: 7, New American RE Bible). I heard in this meaning that the very works of Christ are manifesting in me through infertility. My big take away is that infirmity itself isn’t a punishment, it’s actually a gift. It’s a battle cry or calling to help Christ. I get to prove my love to Him by bearing this cross for Him, and the darkness that at times feels so heavy and burdensome (that blinds me) actually becomes a light to the world for those that see me as being punished with infertility. My mission is that I get to help explain the truth about infertility in love. I am not a cursed or wretched person being punished through infertility, I am a Christ bearer being asked to bear fruit for the greater good. He may never take away the instrument of my suffering, but I know that it is a very significant call to love like Him and for Him. The tricky part is that I have to deny myself and lay down my life for Jesus in order for any of this to work. When I am able to completely surrender to His will, He in turn opens my heart for an even greater capacity to love. To find the grace in this gift, you have to recognize that Jesus is drawing you in even closer to his heart so that yours then reflects the love that resides there until it becomes an essential part of you.
