A Cross is a Cross

I’ve been slowly revamping our home decor as I’ve been feeling inspired to incorporate more spiritual art on the walls for all of us to appreciate and enjoy. I wanted to find little visual reminders for my family to look upon to keep a sense of peace, community, and spirituality in our home and mix it in with the overall design and feeling we already have established. In my search, I came across this sign from Catholic Gifts and More that says “the things you take for granted someone else is praying for” (The Things You Take for Granted – Wall Plaque, Wall Decor: Catholic Gifts & More (catholicgiftsandmore.com), and it stopped me dead in my tracks! What a powerful and gentle reminder of how we need to be grateful for all of the gifts we have been given in our lives. My heart was also made aware of the heaviness of the cross that is experienced as it comes to others when they might not have the same gifts I have been given despite their wanting and praying for them too.

After absorbing this saying, I began to think of how true this statement is pertaining to our current cross and journey with infertility. I thought back to the immeasurable times we have prayed for pregnancy and growing our family through adoption just hoping the answer would be “yes” for us, and how we also had hoped that our family would grow almost instantaneously. I thought of the sweet prayers our daughter prays during family prayer specifically for a baby brother and sister that have left me wondering if God will hear us and surprise us with this gift of life. After all, we have seen other families grow all around us, why wouldn’t He want to give us this gift? I then felt the pangs in my heart as I heard God telling me that “a cross is a cross…don’t compare your crosses”. In a moment of clarity, I was hit with the knowledge that I can not approach this cross as anything different than it is (a cross), nor should I devalue its intended purpose by comparing it to someone else’s cross with the false misconception that the gift that I want is actually the gift He wants to give me.

You may have had a conversation with someone who has expressed a difficulty in their lives resulting in your immediate response back to them as “I wish I had that problem!”. In infertility, it may look something like this: A friend or loved one states “trying not to get pregnant is such a cross” as they describe their cross of an overabundance of children and the stress felt of then seeing yet another positive pregnancy test. I’ll admit, at first glance a statement like this can drive the sword even deeper in my heart creating a wave of pain in me as I can only imagine how that might feel! But, as I am able to dig a little deeper past that heart piercing feeling with God, the gift of my cross has revealed itself to me in an even more profound and meaningful way.

I have to help “Karen-ize” all of this to wrap my brain around this lesson! I started by first looking at what a cross means to me in my faith. Visually, I imagine the vertical part of the cross the direction I am going as it points my eyes to look up towards heaven (this is where I hope to end up some day). In the horizontal portion of the cross, I see it as the arms stretched out across it that are both open to me and also awaiting my approach. Then, I recall that the cross was used as an instrument of death whereby Jesus was condemned to die on it first. He actively accepted the Father’s Will and chose this path for love of me. I can imagine Jesus there now as I visualize the crucifix, and as I’m staring up towards heaven, he’s looking down at me with love. It’s His arms outstretched to me asking me to approach Him as this is His way of showing love for me. The death of myself on the cross is the path I must take to get to heaven, but I find comfort in knowing that He did it first, and that He will also assist me with mine too. One of the beautiful gifts resulting from death on the cross is the transformation of myself into love Himself. It has (if I let it) become a gift that doesn’t actually end with my reception of it.

Any cross I am given in my life is designed specifically for my salvation. A cross designed for me may not appear to be significant or even closely resembling any cross that is designed for you. I know that I would never have intentionally chosen my specific cross of infertility if given the choice. I for sure would have questioned God telling Him that “this one is just too heavy and too impossible to carry”. I would have run away in fear from it if that was an option! When I hear about other’s infertility stories, I find myself convincing myself that “this cross would absolutely crush me” when I hear about miscarriage and loss of a child. Here I go again comparing my cross to yours! But, if you pause here a moment and break it down a bit, you will begin to uncover another gift of your specific cross, and that is the empathy suffering your cross creates within you. The gift of love you experience on the cross is a gift that spreads exponentially by being able to relate or even notice the suffering in all of our neighbors stemming directly from that gift.

If I try to avoid the cross assigned to me, I truly miss out on the gifts He’s trying to give me through it. Essentially, I would forever remain stunted in my personal growth without them. Remember, the cross is the instrument used to perfect my salvation. Although it may be heart breaking to watch someone suffering the cross through the eyes of empathy, it is important that we don’t try to remove the cross for them either. We can not predict what lessons of faith, hope, and love someone is intended to merit through their personal crosses. What we can do is use our gifts of empathy to help redirect one’s eyes back on Jesus by loving them where they are at. We can offer the suffering comfort like St. Veronica did with the glass of water to counter the thirst and the veil to wipe the blood and tears from the face of Jesus on His trek towards Calvary. In the cross of infertility, maybe this is when we send a note to a friend to let them know that we care or are offering specific prayers for them and their intentions. We can also offer support to lighten the weight of the cross like St. Simon did for Jesus when he was put in the path of the one carrying the cross and helping to pick Him up when he continued to fall. In infertility, this might be directing the one who’s on the verge of despair to a faithful counselor or spiritual director that can help redirect their eyes towards Jesus and give them that bit of strength they need to get up and continue walking.

The cross I have been given with infertility is not the only cross I have or will experience in my life to assist in my salvation, nor does it make me empathetic to only those suffering the same crosses of infertility. What I’ve noticed lately is this profound gift the cross of infertility has brought me of spiritual motherhood. I now look for opportunities to offer up the day’s sufferings brought on by the physical and emotional pains my recent surgery and treatment has manifested for all of God’s children that come across my path. This may be by providing physical food and drink for the man with the sign asking for “anything” on the corner, spending extra time with Grace playing her favorite game of the day even when I feel nauseous, or praying for the health and wellbeing of expectant mothers and their unborn that I see all around me. When I have on the eyes of empathy, it will not take long to see where God needs my motherly love.

There is so much beauty and grace in the crosses we are asked to carry in love for Him. We can’t avoid them, but we really shouldn’t want to if we can believe and trust in the transformative purpose of them. We rise and fall with the cross in a continuous cycle like the Church’s Liturgical Year. There will be times when you feel them profoundly working in you and shaping you, and maybe these are times when you need to reach out to Him in faith to help you to continue on. There are also times when you feel the lightening of its weight as you begin to rise with Him into a new life of love because of them. There is a harmony in the constant death and resurrection our crosses will provide. Accept the gift of grace through all of them and become the motherly love He has asked you to bring into the world.

Enjoy this beautiful song by Corinne May called “The Answer” to remind you to keep looking up at Him and reaching out for Him throughout the journey. May you welcome the ultimate gifts meant for you by embracing all of your personal crosses.