Be God’s Donkey
I have had quite the past couple of months! Have you ever just felt plain exhausted by your health on your infertility journey? Have you ever felt so weighed down by feeling physically ill that it makes it difficult to bear and commit to more tests and treatments? I am so here right now! It began for me with trying to determine the cause of total body inflammation from possible new food sensitivities, a breast cancer scare with a full diagnostic imaging workup to boot, and even now, unwelcomed pain that lead me to my last two surgeries has returned in full force laying me flat in agony. I am so thankful that we are most likely dealing with Fibroadenomas (benign breast tumors), that there are food sensitivity tests and rotation diets that can help decrease all of these joint flare ups, and that Medical Imaging studies can help to rule out expected and unexpected conditions to pinpoint the source of my pain, but its been so difficult for me not to feel defeated in the process . On top of all the other intertwining variables and decision making markers I feel bombarded with as we navigate our way through infertility treatment, I have additionally felt the increasing burden of my body feeling more and more broken as of late.
I have often seen myself as a “broken doll”, and I’ve suspected that somehow me and my body are working against each other even though I’m just trying to do everything in my capacity to get to the status quo feeling of “normal”. I’ve also found that my health focus has shifted substantially from the reasons my diagnoses have kept me from getting pregnant, to now how all of these same diagnoses will impact my long term health and wellbeing as I am creeping even closer to menopause and my fertility window is getting even smaller. I find that my prayers are continuous pleas to end the pain as I keep uttering the words “I’m just so tired” to Him. I have to admit, I’ve questioned Him as to what He thinks I am actually capable of handling!
It’s hard for me not to think “now what?” when a new health issue seems to pop up. My mind tends to anticipate the worst having experienced a multitude of setbacks and failed desired outcomes throughout this journey with infertility. Sometimes, I simply feel crushed beneath the constant barrage of tests and treatments we have endured an are continuing to address it would seem. This way of thinking I’ve been learning has been a sort of default mode as the enemy begins to challenge my faith by whispering to me all the doubts that to try and pit me against the truths I know about my God, and how He’s loving me through this cross. It brings to the surface the negative thoughts I am bombarded with constantly hinting to me that I am ill, I am broken, and I am not able to do something that is innately designed for every woman…I’m not able to conceive and bear children. I am hit with the heaviness of these feelings every time we get back to Cycle Day 1, and every time a new disorder is uncovered by doctors whose response then becomes “we don’t know why, but we will figure this out”, or “have you been tested for….(fill in the blank)”, which allows room for the disappointment and fear to creep in. It worsens when the pain becomes debilitating as it takes over my ability to accomplish any plans I have made for the day, and I give in to this now forced day of rest most reluctantly.
As I began to reflect on my situation, and as I process the emotions that have been coming up with all of this, it is no surprise to me that the Holy Spirit has been nudging me to “remember the donkey”. You might be thinking “what is she talking about…I thought it was about health and now we are talking animals?”, so let me try to Karenize this one for you too! For the past several naptime book choices Grace has been selecting the book “The Donkey that No One Could Ride” by Anthony DeStefano, a sweet book gifted to her by her Godparents during Easter. Although this technically is a children’s book, the meaning and intention of this story strikes a chord in deep within my soul leaving me in tears EVERYTIME I participate in its reading. I highly recommend giving this book a read even if you aren’t reading it aloud to a little one! I absolutely love to learn about all things faith through the eyes of a child, and this particular story helps me process all my feelings I sometimes harbor about my health.
In this particular tale, it reveals that the main character (the donkey) isn’t able to do the things one would naturally expect of him. At first, it seems a bit silly what he’s put through to test his efforts, but the expression revealed in his eyes starts to show how he’s really taking the situations. It’s not that he’s lazy or not trying, he simply cannot perform the tasks that he is given. The tasks that he ultimately fails to complete are viewed as tasks that all other donkeys are easily and happily capable of doing. You can feel his struggle with this as he begins to see himself as weak, and he starts to let himself feel defeated by this weakness. It’s evident that the weight of him feeling so different from all of the other donkeys, and that he’s fighting back the fall into total despair by letting out his pain slowly in his tears. Even his owner gets so frustrated with him that he sends him away deeming him useless and basically abandoning him to release himself from this foreseen burden. Then, you start to gather that this is the time just before Palm Sunday, and who comes to collect this donkey, but the Apostles sent to find the donkey for Jesus to ride into Jerusalem. If I wasn’t already sobbing at the beginning of the book, this part gets my tears flowing uncontrollably! This is the moment when the donkey gets to meet Jesus (DeStefano, p.17).
Just like the donkey, I find myself in tears trying to tell Him all that is wrong with me, and how broken I feel that I am. It’s Jesus’ response back to the donkey that reminds me to ask myself if I really do trust Him with everything (including my health) that helps me gain a better perspective on my current situation. Within any relationship, intimacy is built and strengthened through our ability to trust one another. I continually hear it echo in my heart…”trust Me” as I am reminded that this is where I need growth in order to gain all confidence in Him. This is also where I need growth in order to shatter the images the enemy is trying to portray of me, and to see myself more fully in His light of truth.
The graces here are my weaknesses. I am learning to thank you God for all of my infirmities and for the Apostles You bring into my life that lead me straight to You. I see that within my own tears of suffering, I am made keenly aware of my need for You, the Divine Healer, for without them, I may never venture out to seek You. I also see a need to express to You just how weak I feel that I am, and I pray for the courage to tell you how You are breaking my heart as you guide me through this suffering. It is hard for me to admit that to You, but You are breaking my heart, and I thank You for this as you are in turn filling it up with Yourself. I thank You for the courage to tell You the truth for that in itself is a gift as You help us deepen our intimacy. I recognize that in my weakness, You create opportunities to fill me with Your strength, and the actual healing I desire for my body is miniscule in comparison with the healing that You bring to my whole heart and whole being because of my perceived deficiencies.
I wanted to leave you with another one of my favorite songs from Shane and Shane, and to share a message with you that the gifts we receive are enough. I pray that you too will learn to let Him carefully break your heart, and for the grace to thank Him for doing it as your hearts become abundantly filled with Him. I’ll offer up my pain for these intentions and more as we all continue to learn how to surrender to and lovingly embrace His Divine Plans for each of us.
