“Faith Makes Things Possible, Not Easy”
The very first time I saw this quote (a variation of Luke 1:37, RSV), it was beautifully displayed on a wall hanging in a friend’s home, and I smiled one of those “I get it” smiles at the truth I saw embedded in its meaning. It has easily become one of my favorite sayings and an overall reminder of the challenges I have endured to foster my personal growth in faith throughout our journey with infertility. It brings to light the fact that just because I have a foundation of faith, it doesn’t mean that my life and struggles with it aren’t at times extremely arduous for me. There are many days where I feel overwhelmingly blessed with the strength and courage to take on the challenges of it, and then there are some days where I begin to question God as to what He’s actually trying to accomplish in me through it.
Sometimes, I find myself rattling off the “who, what, when, where, why, and how” questions of investigation at Him with the hope and intent of finding a clue to help me solve the problems that are near. I have falsely assumed that these answers will appease my unsettled heart in believing that they alone will give me true and lasting peace right now in the midst of it. I tell myself that “I am a human after all”, and “I fumble a lot when I am trying to learn the infinite and divine ways through the revelations I have experienced in my life” to give my reasoning a boost on this. But, there really isn’t a good excuse I can come up with to skip over the lesson by not fully enduring it as He intends for me to do in His own perfect time. For me, the harder the struggle has been, there has also been an immeasurable gift of faith to accompany it that He has generously provided me with to strengthen my wavering and weary heart.
The events happening to me this week have been a clear reminder of the times when infertility screams “this is NOT easy”! A couple of days ago, after experiencing a day of being able to accomplish so much and starting to feel like I’m definitely past the fatigue brought on by surgery, I began to pass out while I was making dinner for my family. The room started echoing, extreme weakness set in, and I could barely muster the voice to say what was happening to me to paint a picture of this kind of this scary moment for us. Thanks to the quick thinking and actions of my husband, we were able to avoid a trip to the hospital, and I was able to come back around before losing consciousness. When the most difficult days like this one arise for me, I am keen to the fact that some part of my control in the situation has disappeared. I start to worry about just how difficult the situation is, and I tend to forget that God even knows about it, that He has allowed it occur, and that He has willed it to occur for my greater good.
The loss of bodily control started to plague my mind in the following days as we were frantically reaching out for medical help to figure this one out. I was also doing my own “diagnostic” head to toe analysis of my body in questioning myself where things went wrong that evening. Did I drink enough water that day? Did I over do it while out and about that day? Is my thyroid having a serious new issue? What would have happened if I was alone with Grace while this was all happening? The end result to all that needless worry was that none of the medical experts could identify why my blood pressure dropped so low, or tell me why the instance happened in the first place. All we were left with was a bit of speculation as to what could have occurred and the reassurance that my thyroid wasn’t to blame. Umph! Talk about amping up the level of frustration on the whole situation! Wouldn’t it just be easier for me God if we had an instant solution and plan to follow to keep this from happening again? Don’t you want me to feel less anxious because we pinpointed what actually happened? I can only guess as to how many times I’ve actually muttered these words to God in our infertility journey thinking as though I need to somehow help Him with the plan to make sure it manifests fully. In other words, I find myself asking Him “can’t we just speed this up to “Karen-time”?” to convince myself that I’m ready to move forward with His plan. I can hear Grace in my head saying “you be silly mommy” to help describe how off this rationale is!
Once the dust settled on my initial reaction of frustration, I had to take a step back and look for the lesson here. Whenever there has been a problem in my infertility journey, it has always prompted me to take some kind of action, and it creates a movement in my heart that directs me closer toward the Will of God. When we couldn’t conceive our first year of marriage, we were lead to a Creighton Instructor and charting, Dr. Hilgers and the Pope Paul VI Institute, and NaPro Technology that collectively began the task of discovering my diagnosis and allowed for restorative healing to take place within me. When we gave up a Foster placement knowing those precious kiddos weren’t meant to be with us indefinitely, we were lead to the Adoption Assistance Agency, and we were then blessed through them with the adoption of our sweet baby Grace. When I had pain for over a year, we found the endometriosis through NaPro surgery and took care of it, and we were able to clear the fallopian tube that we hadn’t known was blocked because of that very same continuation of pain. I may not have all of the pieces put together yet for my current situation, but I’ve been making a conscious effort to take the time to pray and listen to Him in search of peace while awaiting the movement call he has for my heart.
I am recognizing that I need to approach these struggles with a lot of faith so that dealing with them and managing them is possible through it. In these trials and tests, I have been asked to take on the challenges of the lesson itself, and then I’ve used what I’ve learned from these experiences to create room for growth along the way. When you feel yourself falling down under the weight of the trials of your infertility cross, don’t let the fear crush you and keep you stagnant. Instead, stand back up, pick up the cross, and keep walking toward Him one step at a time with the tools He’s used to help you construct your faith. Thank you Jesus for blessing us with these beautiful lessons of faith, and thank you for the growth you have in store for us through them. By us cooperating with Your Will, and bearing the trials of even the most difficult and fearful days, we know you are supplying us with the building blocks that continue to form our faithful hearts. Please increase our desire to grow in faith, hope, and love. Please also help us abandon ourselves to you in love by fostering within us complete trust in You.
