Staring Into the Grief

Here it comes…the dread, the anxiety, the fear. As I attempt to analyze my intentions for starting to chart and reintroduce medications to be my new “normal” while all the while feeling so incredibly nauseous in the process, I am reminded that the cycle of grief has once again reset. The “what ifs” begin, and I’m wondering if deep in my heart I haven’t stopped wanting to get pregnant because I see a little shiny lure of hope out there in the deep. I feel myself attempting to withdraw to escape from acknowledging the feeling of sadness and anger that comes with it. I find myself resisting all that God desires for me, and I just pray that He please help me through this right here and right now. Good counsel reminds me that He wants to heal me from the hurt, and He has no intention of hurting me as I am battling thoughts that the enemy keeps lobbing at my mind to turn around and run and retreat. I’m trying so hard to not let myself go there because I know that God wants nothing more than goodness and good things in my life, and I don’t want to miss the point of what this is really all for.

Then, a flash of a moment in time jumps into my thoughts that I can’t avoid…Grace as a drug affected newborn. I can see her tiny body shaking and her crying out in pain as she continues with withdrawals during our stay in the NICU. In this moment, I am trying to comfort her without success, and I’m pleading to God to give the pain to me instead because I was convinced I could handle it. I don’t want her to have to endure it, and even worse, I am having to watch it happen in my arms feeling so incredibly angry and helpless. Just like any parent feels for their child, I wanted to protect her and do it for her instead, but it’s not meant for me to take on this time because its meant specifically for her to grow stronger. This is a side effect of the drugs leaving her system. The body is responding with pain as it’s trying to eliminate the very thing that can harm her unless the healing is permitted to continue.

Jesus has been allowing this process of hurt and healing to happen through infertility within me to help me grow stronger. It’s not just happening within my physical body either, the hurt and healing is happening in my very spirit. It’s all for love…all of it. With the hurt comes the healing, and in surviving the battle, I am made to be an even stronger warrior of love for Him. All of these experiences have made me who I am. There is no other one that loves with my beautifully and wonderfully made heart. I am being made His “Karen”, and for that, I will continue to endure the fight for all that is Him.

The gift comes from staring into the grief head on. It is here these moments of surrender that He reminds me that I am actually stronger when I am made to feel weak. Like any good fallen warrior, I need more help when I can’t get back up myself to continue on and fight the good fight. The ultimate helper is right there, holding his cross with His hand outstretched to mine encouraging me to walk and shoulder my own. He’s not going to carry it for me, but He’s going to carry me by allowing me to fall so I can grow even stronger and completely heal like any loving parent would do for their very own.

Check out this amazing gift of music by Lauren Daigle when you find yourself lacking the courage to get back up and continue on in the journey. He knows, He hears you, and He’s right there with you through it all.